in the weeds

definition: idiomatic

…Immersed or entangled in details or complexities

…With so many problems or so much work that you are finding it difficult to deal with something

…Concerned with small details, often when this prevents you from understanding what is important

Things seemed so clear at first, in the beginning, and now they feel so unclear.

I can’t seem to find joy, or for that matter, even a meal that is satisfying! I have many doubts. I feel like this place I’m in is so permanent.

I’m not sure if this is a by-prodcut of the treatment where what’s meant to save my life is actually sort of killig the life within me.

I feel like I am living within myself and outsife of myself at the same time. I hear what people say and how they care, and it is still like they are talking about someone else – not me. I see and feel their true compassion and it is heavy. Words are not enough to encompass the depth of my gratitude.

Does it seem like I keep saying ‘thank you,’ and ‘I appreciate you checking in on me’? It’s only because your kindness and generosity is beyond the language I need to get deeper without making both of us cry.

Apparently this is part of the healing process. Taking each day one at a time, without restlessnes, and somehow a deep kowing it will all be ok, and things will be different tomorrow, next week, and next month.

I want to feel the joy of soaring high above the weeds with an ear-to-ear smile and tears of happiness washing my face – a joy so deep it is radient. I can imagine it. In the meantime I just have to settle in and wait for that.