The sun is shining and it is cold. Finally January has become more like itself rather than with temps in the 50s. This winter has been more like a protracted fall that just kept going and going. Now it is feeling more seasonal and all this is good news that we have missed months of winter weather. When I first moved to Westford over 20 years ago, it would start snowing in late October and not finish until April. I don’t mind this shift even though it is most likely a sign of nothing good.
I’m sitting on the couch which is where I sepnd a lot of time these days. I want to exercise but I feel tired a lot. I stopped doing yoga about 6 months ago and I miss it so much. It was a huge part of my life and I practiced at least 3-4 times a week for years. I miss the community and the practice. I need to have fairth that my energy will return and I will get back to the routines that are so important to me and my good health.
Sitting on the couch gives me way too much time to think, and I sleep a lot. It’s dark in the winter so there’s not much I feel up to doing once the sun sets at 4:30pm. At least now that it’s mid-January, the days are inching forward, bringing a tiny bit more of sunshine every day.
I’ve been mostly worrying and not so much just thinking. I worry about changes in my health – like over the past three days I’ve been feeling dizzy. That hasn’t been a symptom until now. I make a note to call the doctor about it. Then there’s finances. I don’t just think about my financial situation, but I definitely worry. Will there be enough money? How can I make more money when I don’t have the energy to get off the couch? Then, there’s the sad feeling of being alone for so long… why is this the case? When, if ever, will it be different? I have no crystal ball to see the future, which is probably best when it comes to my health. But when it comes to shaing my life with a partner, I wish I knew if this is permanent state or if there is hope for a different future. I love to travel but traveling alone is not as much fun as sharing experiences with someone.
As I sit here on the couch, I think about time passing. I think about how it’s both slow as a snail’s pace and so fast you can blink and years go by. I am in the midst of it regardless of how it passes. I’m thinking about how to spend my life now that it may be potentially limited by this gliblastoma. Do I have months to live or years? How can I live the most life I can if I can’t seem to get off the couch?
It’s strange how much changed in the past 6 months. In the beginning I was so positive about my prognosis. I wasn’t feeling sick, even through radiation. I seemed to breeze right through that. I couldn’t understand what all the fuss was about. Now if feel more uncertain. Thoughts creep in that maybe it won’t be ok. Maybe I should be preparing myself for some potentially bad news.
What I love about January is the open feeling of the month. No holidays to worry about being prepared for. Just what feels like an open expanse of the future. Normally, this is such a positive feeling – but this year, I am not feeling the same about it. There is trepidation and a feeling of falling off the edge of a cliff. Maybe that is just living with uncertainty. Maybe I just need to ‘buck up’ and head right into that feeling full force, almost like living life with a vengance….. I just need to get off the couch…
“Comfortable with Uncertainty,” by Pema Chodron