The medical part of this path has been very uncertain for months, but now my treatments are regularly scheduled. It took many weeks to get into a predictable schedule – between the chemo, radiation, blood tests, and my new job. Most of that time was spent wondering what was ahead for me. Would I be tired, fatigued, able to drive, be weak, lose my hair, be able to work?
To some degree I still don’t really know how things are going to go. It’s just one day at a time.
Poem by JMStorm. Find more at www.instagram.com/jmstormquotes
Which brings me to the spiritual part of my path. That started the day I was diagnosed in the ER at Emerson Hospital. That moment the doctor said, “You have a lesion on the left side of your brain” was a moment when time stood still and expanded around me in a surreal way.
It has taken so long to even believe this is happening to me. It’s hard to describe, but I guess it was because I wasn’t sick in the usual way. I didn’t have bleeding or pain. I just lost my words. I thought it was a form of depression due to losing my job.
Seeing my son Jan’s face when the doctor told us what they discovered in my brain was a totally life-changing moment. It was almost other-worldly. A sort of an out-of-body experience. I just knew that I couldn’t be leaving any time soon. There were still many things I would need to see and experience. Being faced with mortality is a game-changer.
Once I got to Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center in Boston, and was give steroids, things started coming back together. I got many of my words back in a day, and and every day after, more words came. Thoughts synced with words.
I realized how everything seemed to be happening in a very special way, as though I was being halted and shown a new way of thinking. Ever since Lea died in January of 2018, my life has been so much about my grief. I could be happy and social, but it there was still that overarching and underlying factor. Just not possible to shed the grief.
Looking back over the past 5 years I can see that I worried a lot; about the stability of my job, finding better employment, making enough money, being alone, being good enough at my art. I was always searching and always projecting toward the future thinking that’s when things would get better.
When I got the diagnosis of stage 4 glioblastoma, and needed chemo and radiation, I felt like a bolt of lightening struck a rock and split it in two, creating an opening or a new path that wasn’t evident before. I felt like suddenly I was being informed that this was MY life, and I could just live it, free of worry and just BE. If I had 2 years or 20 years, I would live it day by day, and not project into the future. Being present was part of the message.
In the hospital I got to rest for what felt like the first time in ages. A weight was lifted from my shoulders. I was able to relax and read books. I was told all I had to do was get better. No rushing here and there, no pushing to be better, no need to feel ‘less then.’ Friends and family showed up to take care of me, feed my cats, water the plants, mow the lawn, cook for me, send me flowers and cards. So much love has been coming my way and it is very humbling. I am so grateful. Thank you to all of you!
I’m learning to identify and let go of things that previously might have bothered me or weighed me down. It comes as a huge relief. In the first few days at home two different people described me as looking ‘changed somehow, lighter.’ I thought that was interesting because it was really how I felt.
Now I can more easily identify stress when I feel it – something that was just ever-present before. It feels like a tightening inside and a sickening feeling seeping and spreading in my body. The moment I feel it, I stop it by naming it and shifting my focus to breathing and relaxing. I believe that stress was a big cause of this brain tumor and I am not going to make myself sick again if I can help it.
The ways I am reducing stress are varied. One is by using positive visualization for the best outcome I can imagine in all aspects of my life. Feeling it, hearing it, imagining it in all dimensions and filling my mind and body with a sense of joy.
Other ways are yoga, meditation, massage, cooking, gardening, being with friends and family. Simply enjoying life. I can’t wait to travel again!
I have struggled with feeling blocked in my creativity and trying to be less judgmental about my art. I’m working on allowing it to just be what it is. I may not be the most prolific artist, but what I do will be enough. There are things that inspire me and those are what I will translate into my vision and my art.
A couple books that were referred to me that have been very helpful to this process of making art: “The Creative Act: A Way of Being” by Rick Rubin. “The Artists Way – A spiritual path to higher creativity” by Julia Cameron.